Structure
No matter how many times I rearrange the furniture,
No matter how many times I change the art,
Get new carpets,
Sweep and mop, clean and dust,
Wipe the smudge off the windows,
Change the curtains,
Re-paint, paint, and re-paint again;
This is the House built on pain.
The House with the unresolved spirit in the basement.
The beaten down boy who wanted to be a girl who took her life by the washing bins.
Feeling her pain across the hairs on my neck,
Adding to the chaos and torture of living with domestic violence,
Trying to change appearances with band-aids,
Trying to fix the hurt feelings with burnt sage,
Trying to heal the past by lighting candles and helping spirits escape this House.
This not-quite-home. This structure.
But the memories remain.
No matter what I do to cover them, move them, heal them, and kick them out.
They don’t leave.
Forever attached to this time and place.
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Moving on
I remember seeing you online.
You had potential.
There were not a lot of choices available, and I had already checked out the other options.
And you were not the worst.
You were kind of cute.
And in the right place at the right time.
Not exactly what I wanted.
Not exactly what I dreamed of.
Not even, perhaps, what was best for me.
But you were available.
And ready.
So I chose you.
Packed up my stuff.
Got rid of the baggage that would not fit.
Said goodbye to my 10 year relationship.
A relationship I shared with others.
A relationship I cherished when on my own.
A relationship that was calm and peaceful.
A relationship that was consistent and kind and soothing.
A relationship that was painful to leave.
A relationship I shouldn't have severed for you.
But I thought you were new and unpredictable and exciting.
I was wrong.
I didn’t know.
How important it was to not sacrifice my hopes and dreams for another.
How much work you would be.
How much you would cost me.
How unstable your base was.
How your beauty was only cosmetic.
And how I would drain every resource I had to keep you going.
Time to go.
To say goodbye.
To separate our effects.
To leave behind what was never mine.
To shut the door and NEVER see you again.
But I have to wait.
Until the time is right.
Until there are sufficient choices.
Until I am moving toward something better. This time.
Until I can rid myself of this painful House in search of a loving Home.
