Strings
You feed off of insecurity and despair
Devour sensitivity and low self-esteem
And feel strength only when others feel weak
You poke at flesh
Looking for places where you can manipulate
Tie hidden strings to control what you think is yours
What happens when the puppet wakes up?
Learns that vulnerability makes her whole?
And that her heart is not made of wood?
Cuts the strings?
Melts the tethering cord?
And leaves the theatre?
This might cause you to starve
Having lost the pain that feeds you
Being forced to migrate
Unto your next victim
This puppet does not need to be liked by her master any longer
She will not be isolated by her own silence
Will not be tortured for stolen moments of solace
And will never again be punished for the feelings that rain from her painted eyes
——————————————————————————————
Lever
I am the rat who keeps pulling the lever
Even though the results are inconsistent
I feel hungrier with every pull
But I still keep hoping that this time something good will happen
Even though the last 100 times it didn’t
But there was that one time it did
So I pull and pull and pull and pull
And pull
And pull and pull
Trying to please the lever is my greatest obsession
But I am lonely, scared, and sad
And trapped within my addicted mind
If I pull the lever with too much enthusiasm
Scalding hot oil will burn my face
And sharp needles will poke me in the eyes
If I don’t pull the lever at all
Then I have no chance of receiving affection
And am left alone in my cage of silence
But if I pull with the “correct” amount of effort
Then I might get a piece of crusted over cheese
But usually, I just hear the vacant sound of air rushing down the chute
Accepting scraps
Thinking this is all I deserve
Learning that my actions have zero impact on the results
One day, I will stop
Cease to pull this lever of chance
And switch cages
Somewhere inside me I know that LOVE is not kind gestures followed by cruelty
Intermittent care is worse than starvation
And being kept alive only to feel unworthy is no way to live
But today - I will pull
—————————————————————————————-
Words
“Piece of shit”
Words that have played on an endless loop in my mind.
Words that still have the power to hurt- even decades later
“Idiot”
Words used to injure me
Words meant to protect the speaker
Words that never should have been spoken
“Parasite- you just take from this family and don’t give anything back”
Words that have had to be dissected, re-evaluated, and disempowered
Words that have had to be discredited
Words that have faded, but have never disappeared
“You don’t deserve anything”
Words that are wrong
Words that were said by someone who never really knew me
Words that were spoken out of a rage and hatred that existed before I was born
“You will never amount to anything and will screw up your life”
Words with stripped meanings
Words that will be archived
Words that are replaced with new ones
“I hope you get what you deserve when I am 6 feet under”
Words that must to be relieved of their power
Words that will never be heard by this listener. Ever. Again.
—————————————————————————————-
Twisted
You got my mind twisted
Twirling around until I don’t know what is acceptable,
What is destructive,
What is good,
And what is fatal.
Your power is my harmful,
And my healthy is your weak.
I attempt to turn your toxins into flowers,
Your punches into opportunities,
And your venom into elixir.
And you twist my questioning into battles,
My empathy into daggers,
And my feelings into waste.
My open-minded soul- just about gets me killed.
But I am learning how to fight for my self-worth,
Shed a lifetime of insecurity for clarity,
Filter out the garbage,
And never accept abuse again.
But do not wait for a thank you card from me,
Because I learned these truths in reaction to your sideways spewing shit,
In spite of your “good” intentions,
And without any of your support.
And even though you are not a human who is worthy of MY love,
I will shed some compassion when I disintegrate your power cord to my heart.
———————————————————————————
Time Machine
If I could, I would go back
To when you were babies
To when you still thought the world was safe and good and kind
To when you still felt hope.
And I would gather you in my arms and bring you to safety.
Bring you to a warm and compassionate home
A home with consistency
A home where your voice matters
A home where your growth is supported and your self expression is paramount.
But I don’t have a time machine
All I have is this classroom
So I will make this place a temporary home
For 90 minutes a day, you will be heard
For 90 minutes a day, you will be safe
For 90 minutes a day, you will be warm
For 90 minutes a day, you will be loved
And when these 90 minutes add up and up and up, someday, you might convince yourselves
that you deserve to be treated with respect every minute of every day
And then, maybe then, you will start to expect it, no, demand it- when you finally get to choose
Because you can’t choose the family you came from
But you can choose the family you end up with
And I will choose you until you get to choose for yourself
